


what it means to hold, what it feels like to lose

by juniees



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, F/M, One-Sided Inoue Orihime/Kurosaki Ichigo, its sad boi hours ladies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:08:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23298307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juniees/pseuds/juniees
Summary: what orihime wants more than anything is kurosaki ichigo
Relationships: Inoue Orihime & Kurosaki Ichigo, Kuchiki Rukia/Kurosaki Ichigo
Comments: 18
Kudos: 71





	what it means to hold, what it feels like to lose

.

màgoa (n.) _a heartbreaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions_

.

Orihime likes to believe that other people see her as sunlight sweetness strung out for everyone to get a piece of. 

She likes to imagine that people have this unexplainable draw to adore her, that they look at her and think: “There goes that Inoue Orihime. There she goes, smiling and so kind despite the cruel hand that life has dealt her and wow, shouldn’t we all strive to be like her?”

Shes likes to think that people love her. That they’d draw their swords and shields and bleed for her. That they’d die happy because they’d die with her name on their lips.

The truth is, Orihime wants all these things—though she’d never dare to utter it aloud. 

Because in order for Orihime to get what she wants she has to be humble Orihime, sweet, naïve, innocent Orihime. Never speak an ill word about anyone Orihime, never want for herself Orihime.

This is easy, Orihime can be these things. She can slip into this sugar spun persona with ease if it meant getting what she wants. 

. 

What Orihime wants more than anything is Kurosaki Ichigo. 

.

_13 years ago,_ Karakura High

.

Ichigo and Rukia come bounding back into class, looking positively disheveled. 

The girls behind Orihime giggle.

Before Ichigocan make an utter ass of himself trying to come up with some excuse of their absence, Rukia steps forward.

She’s all watery eyes and pouty lips, weaving exasperated tales of woes with talent. 

Ochi-sensei eats it up, of course.

Rukia and Ichigo return to their seats, not before Ichigo makes a show of rolling his eyes at Rukia’s display.

Orihime doesn’t miss the way he knocks his hip against Rukia’s while trying to hide a smirk and failing spectacularly at it.

It’s a quiet intimacy that leaves Orihime’s stomach in knots. 

The girls who gossip quietly behind her notice it as well.

“Oh my god they are  so doing each other”

Orihime’s hands fall to her lap.

“I heard that they’re gonna get married as soon as we graduate”

Her head droops forward, a curtain of red hiding her frown.

“What? Really? Akumi-chan said she saw them walking home together the other day. I think they already live together”

Her fingers ball into fists.

“Ugh, I’m kinda jealous. I wish I found my true love in high school”

They’re not in love, they’re not in love, they’re not in love, _they’re not..._

.

“Um Kuchiki-san” Orihime bounces up to the raven haired girl, pink cheeks and a shy smile 

“Oh, hi Inoue” Rukia greets her, shouldering her bag and closing her locker 

“I have a question” Orihime starts, locking her hands behind her back and “It’s kind of embarrassing”

“It’s okay Inoue” Rukia reassures her with a soft smile

“Well” She toes the ground, “It’s...it’s  about Kurosaki-kun. I was wondering if,  um, well if you like him?"

Rukia looks positively thrown, “ _Like_ him?”

“Yeah” Inoue nods, “Like him, like...romantically”

“Oh” Rukia goes a little red, “I don’t like _anyone_ like that! Ichigo is a friend!”

Inoue wants to feels relief but it escapes her, instead she feels the same bitter whispering of jealousy as before. 

But she smiles anyway, cheery as can be, “That’s good! Kurosaki-kun needs a friend like you!”

.

_Ten Years Ago,_ Karakura Town

.

“Ichigo needs you” Orihime flattens herself against the wall in attempt to make herself less noticeable. It’s a difficult task to achieve with the yards of white tulle she has wrapped around her lower half.

“Otou-san” Orihime jolts at the title, a reminder of how irreparably close Rukia is to Ichigo’s family, “I-“

“Don’t make him ask” Isshin says, all serious and it’s unsettling to see the exuberant man so solemn, “Please Rukia-chan”

Orihime feels her throat tighten and not today of all days, _please_ not today...

Rukia doesn’t say anything but her disappearing footsteps tell all.

Orihime comes out from her place behind the wall, Rukia’s no longer there but Isshin remains, staring pointedly at the floor.

“Kurosaki-san?” Orihime calls out, “Is everything okay?”

“Orihime-san” Isshin puts on a bright face, all traces of melancholy erased, “You look absolutely beautiful!”

She blushes and smooths down her dress, “Ah thank you”

“You shouldn’t be out here in the open! My stupid son could see you! Here, let’s get you back”

“O-oh okay” Orihime allows herself to be ushered back, “But Ich-

“So what kind of cake are we gonna be eatin’, Ichigo said something about chocolate crab with pistachio cream?”

. 

He’s hers, he’s hers, he’s hers.

It’s official. Written down on paper, the ink is dry.

It’s biblical. Consummated in the night, Ichigo doesn’t hold her after.

It doesn’t matter.

He’s hers, he’s hers, he’s hers.

. 

_Present Day,_ Karakura Town

.

Orihime loves Ichigo in every flavor.

Loves him even though he hasn’t touched her in ten years. 

Loves him even when he only grants her a chaste kiss on the lips that she knows is for Kazui’s sake.

Loves him even though he’s not the same Kurosaki Ichigo that she once knew. 

Loves this rudimentary copy of the man she once dreamed about.

But when Rukia comes to visit all these years later, Ichigo suddenly transforms right in front of her eyes. 

He’s seventeen again, brash and confident. His half mouthed grin brings her to her knees, the spark in his eyes feels like a homecoming. 

It’s here when Orihime realizes the Ichigo she loves the most is Rukia’s Ichigo. 

. 

Ichigo and her, they don’t fight. 

They don’t fight over silly things like how Orihime leaves her sandals lying around or how sometimes Ichigo forgets to leave her hot water in the mornings.

They don’t fight over serious things either.

But after Rukia’s visit, Orihime...Orihime _breaks._

“Ichigo” He lifts his head, there is no spark, no grin. Nothing for his wife, “Something’s wrong”

“What?” Ichigo is alert, ever the protector, “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is it Kazui?”

Orihime shakes her head and approaches him where he sits at the edge of their bed, “No, it’s not that”

“Orihime...what-?”

“Do you love me?” 

“What?” He shocked, taken back, surprised by a question that should have an obvious answer

“Do you love me?” Orihime tries again, urgently

“Of course I-

“No” She reaches for his hands and draws herself between his legs, “Do you love me...are you in love with me?”

“Orihime...”

“Ichigo” She feels like begging, “It should be easy”

He looks away and Orihime drops his hands, backing away. 

“It’s not fair” She whispers after the silence 

Ichigo just watches her with mournful eyes.

“It’s not fair at all” She shakes her head, “She’s gone but she still has you. She will always-

“Who are you-

“It’s been ten years Ichigo!” And _oh_ how the anger rises, takes form and becomes her, “You have to let her go”

Ichigo stands, hands outstretched to reach for her.

Orihime pulls away, sharp and seething and full of bitter envy, “Rukia didn’t choose you Ichigo! She didn’t want you!”

Ichigo falters and Orihime watches him crumble and oh... _oh no._

Orihime is sweet, Orihime is kind, Orihime would never hurt anyone.

She claps a hand over her mouth as if to try to will the words back in. 

“Ichigo” She whispers, tears hot in her eyes, “Ichigo, I’m sorry-

He shakes his head, the rigid line of his spine facing her, “Don’t...apologize Orihime, please”

She reaches for him, wants to hold him, “Ichigo”

He goes very still and, “You’re right. About Rukia. About me”

“I should be able to let it go but I...I haven’t been...I _can’t_...I’ll try harder”

_It’s been ten years,_ Orihime thinks desperately, _it’s been ten years and you haven’t let her go._

_How long?_ She wants to ask, _how long will it take for you to forget Kuchiki Rukia?_

Orihime feels like she already knows the answer.

. 

He’s hers 

He’s hers 

He’s hers.

But she is not his.

She will never be his.

**Author's Note:**

> will i die mad about the bleach ending???
> 
> ....maybe so.


End file.
